Don't you really hate it when something bad happens to you and your first instinct is to be upset. You start feeding on that pain because it is something that you have felt for so long and you are comfortable with it. The bad feelings are like a warm scratchy blanket. It keeps you warm, but you wake up all scraped up. What's even worse is that you turn to God for relief, you search His word, and you find an answer. I'm sure your wondering how that could be bad. Normally it's not bad unless the answer is to suck it up and move on.
That is just what happened to me last night. I was upset about something and I turned to God's word for answers. I found the answer in the book of James, but it wasn't the answer I wanted. I wanted an answer like "It's ok" or "You deserved to get what you wanted and you're allowed to be upset". Good thing God doesn't always give us what we want, but always gives us what we need.
James 1:2-9 "(2)My brethern, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; (3) Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. (4) But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (5) If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (6) But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. (7) For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. (8) A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. (9) Let the brother of low degree rejoice in that he is exalted:"
So this is telling me something that I already know, that I am going to be tempted but the hard part is to be joyful about it. It reminds me of the story of Paul and Silas when they were in prison singing the praises of God. I always thought that if I were put in prison for my faith that I could do the same thing. As you may or may not know, as they were singing the walls began to shake and their chains fell off. Looking at that story you might be tempted to think the same way I did. But could you keep doing that if the walls did not shake. Just because God released them, that doesn't mean He will release you. And still you must be joyful.
Then it tells us that the trying of faith takes patience and we are supposed to let patience work. Patience is one thing that I struggle with over and over again. In this day in age where everything is fast, it is hard to be patient for anything. We want our food to come quick, our information to come quick, and our healing from God to come quick. And if we don't hear immediately from God then we think we have done something wrong. There is a really good quote "God is rarely early, but he is never late". We must allow our patience to grow and work.
God then throws us a lifeline. He says that we can pray for wisdom. Wisdom is the greatest gift that can be given. When King Solomon was asked to be given anything that he desired, he asked God for wisdom, and he became one of the wisest men in the Bible. The trick is that we must ask unwavering. If you are not truly coming to God asking for wisdom in the most humble, selfless, childlike way then your prayer will not be answered.
James 1:12-17 "(12) Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. (13) Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: (14) But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. (15) Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. (16) Do not err, my beloved brethren. (17) Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."
How many times have you hear, or even said, "I am being tempted by God". This set of verses is self explanatory for the most part. If God can't be tempted by evil, which is proven when Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days, then he can't tempt others by evil.
This is really a love hate set of verses for me as an addict. It is so easy to slip back into the depression because it is comfortable, and it's hard to do the right thing. Even if your slip doesn't result in acting out, it is still getting you comfortable wanting that warm, scratchy blanket.
God Bless
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
To the Oppressed
There are many people, and I have counted myself one of them, who feel like their sins from their addictions are the lowest of the low. Nobody outside of the addicted could ever be on the same level as me. We as addicts, who have taken the proper steps to repent and truly seek recovery, tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else. Either we don’t want to put ourselves out there for fear of being rebuked, or we had put ourselves out there and have been rebuked. For those who are suffering from oppression, either by your mind or another’s mouth, there is hope. I caution you on interpreting these passages. These are to ease your mind and soul, not to cast judgment on others.
James 2:8-11 "If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors. For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all. For he that said, Do not commit adultery, said also, Do not kill. Now if thou commit no adultery, yet if thou kill, thou art become a transgressor of the law."
What James was saying that if you keep all the commandments except one that you have sinned against the law of God. So what does God say about sin?
Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Ok so if we sin then we deserve death. That should only be us really bad people right?
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"
So everyone has sinned. Everyone has come short of the glory of God. Am I saying that telling a lie is the same as murder? Yes I am. The Bible does not give us any distinction between sins. It does not say that one is better than the other. Sin is sin, and the wages of sin is death. But there is hope for the hopeless, and the believers.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
Jesus Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for us on the cross. He died so that we could ask for forgiveness and be forgiven.
So remember, those who are oppressed of who feel oppressed, there is always someone who loves you no matter how far you fall. And no matter how far you run away from Him, He will always be with you. If you are reading this and have not received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, then I invite you to check my blog on "Getting Right with God".
One final note before you decide to strike those who have oppressed you. Remember with the following verses that if Jesus did not condemn the world, then who are we to do the same. Why should we judge, when we are called to love one another, as we love ourselves. For those who don't feel love for yourself, just remember the God in Heaven loves you more than anything else in the world. He is our Sheppard, and He will leave His whole flock just to find one lost sheep.
John 3:17 "For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
Matthew 7:1-4 "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam in thine own eye?"
Thank you for reading, and God Bless.
James 2:8-11 "If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors. For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all. For he that said, Do not commit adultery, said also, Do not kill. Now if thou commit no adultery, yet if thou kill, thou art become a transgressor of the law."
What James was saying that if you keep all the commandments except one that you have sinned against the law of God. So what does God say about sin?
Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Ok so if we sin then we deserve death. That should only be us really bad people right?
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"
So everyone has sinned. Everyone has come short of the glory of God. Am I saying that telling a lie is the same as murder? Yes I am. The Bible does not give us any distinction between sins. It does not say that one is better than the other. Sin is sin, and the wages of sin is death. But there is hope for the hopeless, and the believers.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
Jesus Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for us on the cross. He died so that we could ask for forgiveness and be forgiven.
So remember, those who are oppressed of who feel oppressed, there is always someone who loves you no matter how far you fall. And no matter how far you run away from Him, He will always be with you. If you are reading this and have not received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, then I invite you to check my blog on "Getting Right with God".
One final note before you decide to strike those who have oppressed you. Remember with the following verses that if Jesus did not condemn the world, then who are we to do the same. Why should we judge, when we are called to love one another, as we love ourselves. For those who don't feel love for yourself, just remember the God in Heaven loves you more than anything else in the world. He is our Sheppard, and He will leave His whole flock just to find one lost sheep.
John 3:17 "For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
Matthew 7:1-4 "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam in thine own eye?"
Thank you for reading, and God Bless.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Fellowship
The word fellowship appears in the Bible 17 times. 15 times in the New Testament alone. King James Version of course. Jesus taught by example that we should fellowship not only with God and His Son, but with one another. 1 John 1:3 "That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ". John is telling us that not only do you need fellowship with each other, we need fellowship with God and Jesus Christ. But what is fellowship exactly?
I'm going to get into a bit of the technical aspects of the subject. Please bare with me, and please don't skip this section. It is at the core of what we as Christians are. The first known use of the word fellowship is unknown, but it is listed prior to the 12th century. The easiest definition of fellowship is companionship. Companionship is the good feeling you get when your around someone, or others. Another definition states "a company of equals or friends".
So now that we got that part out of the way, on to the really good stuff. Those who are reading this are most probably addicts, co-dependents, or friends/family. A lot of you might be familiar with a 12 step program of one kind or another. Anyone who has been to a good 12 step meeting will know the true meaning of fellowship. For those that don't know or have not been to one, I'll explain. Most meetings are only open to those who are addicts or those who are seeking relief. That means everyone in there is equal. Some could be on different steps, but we are all addicts and that will never change. The meeting is not run by some clinical Physiologist, but rather it is run by a fellow addict. We have all sinned in this area, and open to talk about anything. There is a section in the meeting when each person gets a chance to share about themselves, experiences, or troubles they are having. Everyone is completely open because we all know what they are going through. Or they might say something that rings true in our own lives. The best part is that only the person who is sharing can talk. Nobody is allowed to comment, argue, or try to help during the share. Then after the meeting, no matter how late it is, there are always people staying behind for fellowship. That is our time to converse with each other. Nobody has to stay for it, but people gladly do. You could talk about anything you want, but people talk about how they are doing with their addiction, exchanging phone numbers, offering help at any time day or night. This is what it truly means to have fellowship. There are people at the meetings who have different idealistics, different religions, different sexual orientations, but yet every one is combined by the one fact that we are addicts, and we can't do this alone. So when John says that we need to fellowship with each other and with God and Jesus Christ, these meetings fit the definition of the word completely. Is this how you fellowship?
Is this how your relationship with God and Jesus Christ is? Is this how your Church fellowships? How often do you go to Church and not talk to anyone about God, or about what God is doing in your life? If your an addict, have you told your elders, pastors, or anyone in the Church? And if you did, what became of it? Do you have any conversations with anyone from Church any other day besides Sunday? Or do you walk into Church, talk to a few people you know, worship, listen to the sermon, and try to beat the traffic jam on the way out the door. I would be willing to bet that most people can agree with most if not all of this.
I have sat in a Church sermon listening about how bad sin is, and as I look around I see all these people who look like their worst sin was lying to their boss or something. And here I am sitting there knowing that I had recently cheated on my wife, or looked at pornography, or tricked some girl I met online to send me naked pictures. How could Jesus possibly forgive me? Well he took a sinner as low as me, and took me into his arms and forgave me. There is not a sin that God has not seen or dealt with before. How can we look at ourselves and say that we are not worthy of forgiveness to the point that we won't ask for it? Because we don't know that there are others out there just like us. Churches all around the world have this problem. It could be a friend, a visitor sitting in the back, someone on the worship team, or possibly the pastor giving the sermon. Focus on the Family did a poll of pastors. They asked them to honestly say if they had looked at pornography in the last month. 30% of pastors said that they did. 30% of the men that we look up to for guidance, that we respect are hiding behind their own sins.
We need to bring fellowship back to our churches. We need to talk to each other, and really talk. Talk about your feelings, talk about your struggles, talk about your addiction. There needs to be some time where everyone can open up and share. Why should the pastor talk the whole time? Why can't there be a time after the sermon for people to talk about the sermon, or what is going on in their lives? The answer is that it would take up more time, and they would be afraid that they would lose members, and money. Once the Church is not afraid to fellowship with each other, they won't be afraid to fellowship outside the Church. It's great that the Church will give money to people to preach the word of God in other countries, but what about here. What about the country who takes God, the foundation of it's country, out of everything. What about the country who's message is tolerance? I agree that tolerance is necessary, but not to the point where I can't talk to people about God because I don't want to offend them. There is a good chance you will offend them. Most people don't come to God easily. Most people come to God when they have hit rock bottom, and nobody cares about them, and they cry out for God's love and mercy. So they get offended. Maybe you just planted a seed that will grow later. Who cares how they got to God, as long as they do. But we can't be the Christians we were called to be, if we can't even talk to those who are equal to us. People have fought and died for Christianity. Some for good and noble reasons, and others for arrogant reasons. Would you die for your faith? Would you give up your job for your faith? Would you give up your family for your faith? And if the answer is no, can you be the Christian that God has called us to be?
I'm going to get into a bit of the technical aspects of the subject. Please bare with me, and please don't skip this section. It is at the core of what we as Christians are. The first known use of the word fellowship is unknown, but it is listed prior to the 12th century. The easiest definition of fellowship is companionship. Companionship is the good feeling you get when your around someone, or others. Another definition states "a company of equals or friends".
So now that we got that part out of the way, on to the really good stuff. Those who are reading this are most probably addicts, co-dependents, or friends/family. A lot of you might be familiar with a 12 step program of one kind or another. Anyone who has been to a good 12 step meeting will know the true meaning of fellowship. For those that don't know or have not been to one, I'll explain. Most meetings are only open to those who are addicts or those who are seeking relief. That means everyone in there is equal. Some could be on different steps, but we are all addicts and that will never change. The meeting is not run by some clinical Physiologist, but rather it is run by a fellow addict. We have all sinned in this area, and open to talk about anything. There is a section in the meeting when each person gets a chance to share about themselves, experiences, or troubles they are having. Everyone is completely open because we all know what they are going through. Or they might say something that rings true in our own lives. The best part is that only the person who is sharing can talk. Nobody is allowed to comment, argue, or try to help during the share. Then after the meeting, no matter how late it is, there are always people staying behind for fellowship. That is our time to converse with each other. Nobody has to stay for it, but people gladly do. You could talk about anything you want, but people talk about how they are doing with their addiction, exchanging phone numbers, offering help at any time day or night. This is what it truly means to have fellowship. There are people at the meetings who have different idealistics, different religions, different sexual orientations, but yet every one is combined by the one fact that we are addicts, and we can't do this alone. So when John says that we need to fellowship with each other and with God and Jesus Christ, these meetings fit the definition of the word completely. Is this how you fellowship?
Is this how your relationship with God and Jesus Christ is? Is this how your Church fellowships? How often do you go to Church and not talk to anyone about God, or about what God is doing in your life? If your an addict, have you told your elders, pastors, or anyone in the Church? And if you did, what became of it? Do you have any conversations with anyone from Church any other day besides Sunday? Or do you walk into Church, talk to a few people you know, worship, listen to the sermon, and try to beat the traffic jam on the way out the door. I would be willing to bet that most people can agree with most if not all of this.
I have sat in a Church sermon listening about how bad sin is, and as I look around I see all these people who look like their worst sin was lying to their boss or something. And here I am sitting there knowing that I had recently cheated on my wife, or looked at pornography, or tricked some girl I met online to send me naked pictures. How could Jesus possibly forgive me? Well he took a sinner as low as me, and took me into his arms and forgave me. There is not a sin that God has not seen or dealt with before. How can we look at ourselves and say that we are not worthy of forgiveness to the point that we won't ask for it? Because we don't know that there are others out there just like us. Churches all around the world have this problem. It could be a friend, a visitor sitting in the back, someone on the worship team, or possibly the pastor giving the sermon. Focus on the Family did a poll of pastors. They asked them to honestly say if they had looked at pornography in the last month. 30% of pastors said that they did. 30% of the men that we look up to for guidance, that we respect are hiding behind their own sins.
We need to bring fellowship back to our churches. We need to talk to each other, and really talk. Talk about your feelings, talk about your struggles, talk about your addiction. There needs to be some time where everyone can open up and share. Why should the pastor talk the whole time? Why can't there be a time after the sermon for people to talk about the sermon, or what is going on in their lives? The answer is that it would take up more time, and they would be afraid that they would lose members, and money. Once the Church is not afraid to fellowship with each other, they won't be afraid to fellowship outside the Church. It's great that the Church will give money to people to preach the word of God in other countries, but what about here. What about the country who takes God, the foundation of it's country, out of everything. What about the country who's message is tolerance? I agree that tolerance is necessary, but not to the point where I can't talk to people about God because I don't want to offend them. There is a good chance you will offend them. Most people don't come to God easily. Most people come to God when they have hit rock bottom, and nobody cares about them, and they cry out for God's love and mercy. So they get offended. Maybe you just planted a seed that will grow later. Who cares how they got to God, as long as they do. But we can't be the Christians we were called to be, if we can't even talk to those who are equal to us. People have fought and died for Christianity. Some for good and noble reasons, and others for arrogant reasons. Would you die for your faith? Would you give up your job for your faith? Would you give up your family for your faith? And if the answer is no, can you be the Christian that God has called us to be?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
7/31/2011 (1:12AM)
The last few days have been rough for me. It feels like my entire future of myself and my family has come down to these few days. Trying to figure out if i'm going to stay in this job or not. If I do how it is going to work, and if I don't where am I going to work. Add on to that I am trying to catch up on some homework that I am way behind. There is still alot of things for me to be thankful for. I have been sober from my sex addiction since 6/12/2011. My wife has continued to stand by me and support me inspite of my addiction. She has her moments, but she mostly has a cheerful heart and wonderful disposition. I could not be happier, or love her or anyone more. I am thankful for the birth of my 5th child. I am thankful for my God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I continue to pray and seek God for wisdom and understanding for my future. I also pray for disernment to hear His voice. I know that God's will, will be done. I just can't wait to see what He has in store for me.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Serenity Prayer
For anyone who has been a part of any 12 step program then you will be familiar with the Serenity Prayer. However some might be suprised to know that there is more the the prayer then what is recited at meetings. Here is the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
My Testamony
I am a sex addict. My story isn’t really that sad. On the other hand it isn’t really that exciting either. My story is exactly what it is. There is no more or less to be said. It is the truth. In fact as I write this I am going to be faced with all the truth for the first time in a while, if not ever. At the moment I am a bit down and tired, maybe even a little depressed. I’m tired of feeling bad, and I’m tired of hearing how wrong I have been. I know what I have done is wrong. I have sinned against myself, my family, my wife, and God. There is no penance for what I have done. There is no amount of hail Marys that can free me from this. The only thing I can do is repent of my sins; ask for forgiveness from God, my wife, and myself. The last one is the hardest.
Growing up I was not the special kid. I was the youngest of two and my sister was about six years older. One of my youngest sexual memories is hiding in my closet and trying to scratch a small hole in the wall. The wall was shared with my sister’s room. For some reason I felt I needed to watch her undress. But as best as I can remember I do not believe I ever did and I kind of feel it was more out of curiosity than anything else.
Getting older I began to become more aware of my body. The first time I masturbated I was in the family room in the basement. I had decided to pretend to be a naked airline pilot. Somehow I rubbed myself against a pillow and it gave me a strange sensation. After a minute or two I experienced my first ejaculation. I had no idea what it was, but it had felt good. I never talked to my parents about it. I don’t know if they ever knew.
My family was very religious. We were non-denominational Christians. We went to church every Sunday, and I attended a Baptist school from Kindergarten through 8th grade. So I had been raised that sex was a bad thing. So not only did I not tell my parents, I didn’t ask anyone questions about it. I started to get excited about having the house to myself and heading to the basement to rub up against the pillows. I felt so alive.
I soon discovered porn. I saw my first Playboy at a friend’s house. He had it hiding under the bed. It was so exciting to see. In fact the first girl I ever saw naked was his mom. Well sort of. I remember sitting on his couch watching TV. I glanced down the hall for a second, and his mom was in her room changing with the door open. I couldn’t see her directly, but there was a full length mirror on her door. I even think she looked at me. I used to fantasize about her seducing me.
I had even found porn on the computer. This was before the internet. So you would have to go to different BBS (Bulletin Board Services). You would get a newspaper from the store that had different phone numbers. Each phone number was a BBS. Each number was like a webpage without pictures. To go to another page you would have to hang up the modem and call another number. What I had found out was that some of the BBS pages had pictures you could download. I remember sitting in a chair waiting for my 14.4 baud modem to take about three minutes to load up a single picture. I remember that the program I used to view pictures would exit immediately if you hit the Esc key. I would sit with my hand hovering over the Esc key while listening for any sign of movement upstairs. Even though I knew it was wrong, I felt an excitement that I started getting hooked on.
Soon I found that pictures on the computer weren’t enough and I moved on to video. I discovered that there were adult channels on the TV. Granted the movies were scrambled. But I could hear the audio, and would sit on the coffee table hoping to catch a glimpse of something between the wavy lines. I would sit on the coffee table because I could change the channel quick if I heard any noise upstairs. Again I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself.
I found myself hoping for some time alone in the house. As soon as the car would leave the driveway, I would find myself in front of the computer or the TV. I started having a conscience about what I was doing. It would get to the point that I truly felt that if I masturbated, that God would punish me. I would think of something good that I wanted to happen, and when it didn’t happen I knew that it was God’s judgment. I didn’t know it then, but it was a trend I was going to repeat for a long time.
My first sexual experience with a girl was when I was about fourteen. I was at my girlfriend’s house and we were making out in her bedroom. We didn’t have sex, but third base was reached. I felt guilty afterwards, and thought that God was going to punish me, so I broke up with her.
I was sexually abused by my piano teacher when I was 15. He would always sit next to me on the bench while I played. He would also always have his hand on my leg. I didn’t like it, and even talked to my dad about it. My dad was also taking piano lessons from him, and told me that the teacher did it to him too. I was weirded out by it, but I thought if my dad could deal with it, so could I. The day of the abuse I could remember very vividly. It is one of my most vivid memories. I can remember how trashed his hole in the wall studio was. It reeked of stale cigarettes, and bad coffee. I can almost still smell it. I was sitting at the piano playing, and I remember I was wearing shorts. He, like always, had his hand on my leg. He never had steady hands, but I remember they were very shaky that day. He started to move his hand up my leg. He would move a bit, then stop, then move a bit more. I was very aware of it, but I kept on playing. Until his hand was under my shorts and touching me, I never thought anything like this would ever happen. But as it did, I felt weak and helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I continued to play, as best as I could. I remember thinking; well I am getting the sexual attention I am looking for. I could just keep quiet and let him take advantage of me. I thought at least maybe I could get off. Then I thought about God, and how I was raised to believe that Gay people were bad people. I finally came to my senses when the lesson was over. The entire abuse only lasted about ten minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. I stood up, grabbed my books, and left. I remember that he tried to say something to me, but I never heard it. I raced out and ran all the way home. My mom could tell something was wrong. I remember crying on my parent’s bed, and telling both my mom and dad that I didn’t want to take piano lessons again. They asked me what happened, and I couldn’t tell them. I felt so ashamed of what happened, and also for the thoughts I had about it. Finally my mom asked me if he had touched me, and I said yes. I remember mom and dad yelling, and I thought they were mad at me first, until my dad left and my mom held me. We never told anyone about the abuse. It turns out that I wasn’t the only one, and a few of them spoke out and the teacher went to jail. This is a hard situation for me. One because I am upset that he would do that to a kid, but on the other had being in SAA, I understand the addiction.
I became very scarred of sex. I didn’t want to get a disease or even worse get someone pregnant. Throughout the next few years, I dated wanting to be intimate with a girl, and when it came down to it I would run away. I lost my virginity when I was sixteen. It was in the back seat of my mom’s car. We went to a park while it was raining. Afterwards I was overwhelmed with shame, and broke up with her the next day. I was also her first.
My next girlfriend I broke up with because she didn’t want to have sex. After about six months, which is a long time for a teenage relationship, I ended it. Her dad had given her a promise ring as a sign of celibacy. How could I have ever tried to take that away from her? I’m glad I never did.
After I got my driver’s license I became a taxi for all my friends. Most of my friends were girls, and I would do anything for them. I only had a few friends then because I got picked on a lot growing up, and I didn’t deal with it well. All I wanted was to love them, and have the girls love me back. I would have fantasies about them, when I was alone. I couldn’t have a female friend that I wasn’t trying to quietly find a way to have sex with them. I knew that it would make me feel bad, and we would not be friends anymore, but I didn’t care about that. I felt that since I would help them out, then I was entitled to what I wanted. Luckily God didn’t give me much of a physical nature, and he gave me strong conscience of what was legal and illegal, so I never crossed that line. Another thing that God blessed me with was a desire for older girls, and bigger girls. It might not sound like a blessing, but throughout my blindness of addiction it kept me from becoming a pedophile. That is something I thank God every day for. The only problem was that I had a very low self esteem and couldn’t deal with peer pressure very well. That is also something that I still struggle with. Because of peer pressure I felt like it was a bad thing to like bigger girls. I would date them until I couldn’t handle being picked on anymore, and turn around and break up with them. Mostly I was thinking that because I got one girl to go out with me, then there would be another. That never worked out as I planned it.
At age 18 I decided to join the Navy. At the time I was a senior in High School and a computer tech at a local computer shop. At this time computers were not cool. Again I was doing something that I liked, but was always made fun of. Before I left for boot camp I had met this girl. I will call her S. S and I got along very well. We liked the same things, and she was beautiful. But of course she was a bigger girl, and I was ashamed. When I left for boot camp, I told her I would write her. She would write me letters and ask how things were going. I was so happy to get them. But in my own head I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had a fat girl waiting for me. I never wrote a response back to her, and soon she stopped sending letters. I came home after boot camp, and I was on my way to San Diego. I got in contact with S, and lied to her and told her that I had sent letters, and they had all gotten returned. She took me back, and we hung out for the two weeks I was home. When I got to San Diego, I completely forgot about S. I figured she would find someone who lived there. I never knew the consequences of my actions, until I was laid up in a hospital bed from a bad foot injury. I was going through my address book calling people. I was so alone in that bed. All my family was half way across the country, and I had been flown off my ship out of Hong Kong back to the states for surgery. I saw her name and number to her dorm. I called a couple times without a response. I was very depressed, and felt so alone. I finally got a hold of her, and I told her what had happened to me and that I was so sorry for what I had caused her. She said that she was done crying over me, and that she was sorry I got hurt, but she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I remember this being one of the loneliest times in my life.
At this time in my life I had forgotten about God, but thank God that He never forgot about me. I was spending my paycheck faster than I could get it. Until I turned 21 we would go down to Tijuana to drink and go to strip clubs. One time down in Tijuana I can very much remember how God saved me, even if I didn’t know it at the time. I was with a buddy at a strip club, and I had spent all my money. So I asked one of the guys who worked there if there was an ATM around. So he went to show me where one was down the street. I remember crossing the street and looking at the ATM, and thought how bad of an idea this was. The guy from the strip club was still with me trying to get me to go inside the ATM booth. I decided I was done and wanted to go back to the ship. I told the guy I had just remembered that I didn’t have any money and went back to the club. I grabbed my friend and we left. It could have been nothing, but later I heard that there was an operation in Tijuana where they would jump sailors at the ATM and empty their accounts.
My relationships while I was on the ship weren’t any better. My best friend on the ship was dating a girl. He wanted to break up with her, so he asked me to do it. So as a good friend I did. She was upset and wanted to go down to Tijuana to drink. We weren’t allowed to go down there alone. She asked me to go with her. I went down to comfort her, and to talk to her. She started drinking, took some ecstasy, and we ended up having sex in a hotel room in Tijuana. The room cost $17 a day. There was no bathroom in the room, and the locks on the door didn’t work. When I got back to the ship I confessed to my friend what I had done, and told him I never had any intention to do something like that. He was mad for awhile, but soon had forgiven me.
The girl and I started dating for awhile until one night when I caught her cheating on me. I found her on top of another guy in our hotel room, again in Tijuana. She tried to tell me later that she was raped, but I didn’t believe her. A few weeks later she told me she was pregnant, and that it was mine. I was 19 at the time and scarred. I didn’t know how to tell my parents, and didn’t even think that she might be lying to me. When I realized it and confronted her, she said she didn’t really know whose it was. I told her that I would be there for her and take care of her and the baby. The next day she was with someone else.
After dating a couple more people I met the girl who became my first wife. We were married in 2002 and divorced by 2005. We had a cold relationship. She rarely wanted to have sex, and looking back she always seemed to want to hang out with other people instead of me. My ship made a port visit in Santa Barbara CA, and while I was out with the guys I met this girl. She listened to me and paid attention to what I was saying. She acted like she really wanted to be with me. I remember making out in the back seat of a friend of hers car. We didn’t have sex, but not for lack of me trying. I was shy and didn’t want to force an issue.
When I got back on the ship, I felt really bad about what I had done, and decided to come clean with my wife. I sat her down and told her that I had kissed someone. She was upset and we went to marriage counseling. At the time, I would have done anything to save my marriage. We went to counseling, but after awhile my wife said she didn’t want to go anymore. She told me that I wasn’t taking it seriously, when in fact I was really trying.
Then one day she left. I can still remember it. I had gone over to a friend’s house to fix his computer. After that I realized that I had some time to kill, because my wife was out with her girlfriends. I decided to go see a movie. I saw Batman Begins because my wife didn’t want to go anyway. I went straight home and she was sitting on the couch, and she told me that we needed to talk. I honestly don’t remember how the conversation went. The last thing I remember was her saying that we needed to separate for awhile. I said ok and that I would go first. I put on my shoes and walked out the door. I don’t remember many details after that. I remember walking around crying, calling my mom crying, screaming at my wife from the parking lot, and I think I punched a stop sign. I felt so betrayed. I was doing everything I could to keep the marriage together, and she just lay down and quit.
I met my next wife and quickly into our marriage I began to act out again. I would go on any web site that I could find to look at girls pictures. I wanted their attention. I wanted to have sexual conversations with them. I wanted to see if I could get them to say they would have sex with me. Then that wasn’t enough. I had to send out messages saying that I was on deployment and lonely and wanted to talk to people. So they would send me naked pictures and talk dirty to me. Then one of them backfired. She was married to someone in the military and found out that I had been lying to her. I came clean and told her the truth. She lived in Chicago and wanted to meet me. So I lied to my wife and said that I was going to Chicago to visit a friend who was leaving for deployment. She didn’t want me to go, and I made her feel bad by telling her that I’m always working, and never get time to myself.
I drove up there and the girl met me at my hotel room. We had sex and afterwards I felt horrible about it and told her to leave. I was fine until the next night and I was lonely. I called her and we went to a bar. I got drunk and she drove me back. Again we had sex, and again I told her to leave.
I got back home determined never to do this again. The next week the girl called me and told me that she was pregnant and it was mine. I didn’t believe her, but she kept pushing the subject. She threatened to tell my wife and my command what I had done. She told me she wanted to have an abortion and she needed $1000. Now I know what the money really was, but I borrowed it from my dad and sent it to her.
A few weeks later I saw a post from her online and she didn’t get the abortion. She said she couldn’t do it, and I asked about the money. She said that I should be glad she didn’t ask for child support. So a few weeks later she said she was going to fight for child support. I finally broke down and told my wife. She was very upset. I only told her about the one incident and told her it only happened one time and I was drunk. She felt better and forgave me. Then the girl said she had proof of other affairs I had had. I finally broke everything to my wife. It took a long time to get it out and she was very mad. I prayed for her not to leave me, and thankfully she didn’t.
The next Sunday I was at church and looking on my phone and found the SSA website and took the test to find out if I was a sex addict. I found that I answered yes to most of the questions. I was on a phone meeting the first day and have been on one each day since. My sobriety date is June 12th 2011.
Getting Right with God
I am truly blessed that you took the time to read this, and I hope the words speak to you so the Holy Spirit can work on your heart.
2000 plus years ago a man named Jesus came to save the world from sin and death. He is the messiah that the Jewish people and the world had been waiting for since the fall of man. Unfortunately the sin of man has tainted the gift that Jesus gave all of us. But even though we still continue to sin, God has found a way for us to be cleansed, through His son Jesus.
Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
In God's Holy text it tells us two things. That we will receive death for our sin, but we can have eternal life through His son Jesus.
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"
Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:"
So we have all sinned and we all deserve death. But God has given His promise that if we receive His son Jesus then we will receive eternal life in heaven with Him.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened".
Alot of addicts struggle with the thought that God could never forgive everything I have done, or they look at their lives and say that they are not worthy to be saved. But that is false.
1 Timothy 1:15 "This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief."
Timothy was saying that he had stayed faithful and had done everything God had asked of him, and yet he counts himself as the chief of sinners. We are not measured by the works or by the actions of others. When it comes down to judgment day, we will all stand before the throne of God and will be judged solely on our own works. The Bible says that no man knows the date or time when the Lord will return, so we must be ready now.
If you feel the Holy Spirit speaking to you and you would like to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior then all you need to do is pray this simple prayer:
Jesus,
I admit that I'm a sinner. I believe that God sent His Son Jesus to come to Earth and die on the cross for my sins. I believe that three days later He rose from the dead and ascended up to Heaven. I believe that He is alive and sits on the right hand of the throne of God. I ask you Lord to be my personal savior, and to wash me white as snow. I thank you and praise you Jesus, Amen.
If you prayed this prayer and meant it in your heart, then you are now born again. I would like to be the first to welcome you, as my new brother or sister, into the family of God.
2000 plus years ago a man named Jesus came to save the world from sin and death. He is the messiah that the Jewish people and the world had been waiting for since the fall of man. Unfortunately the sin of man has tainted the gift that Jesus gave all of us. But even though we still continue to sin, God has found a way for us to be cleansed, through His son Jesus.
Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
In God's Holy text it tells us two things. That we will receive death for our sin, but we can have eternal life through His son Jesus.
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"
Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:"
So we have all sinned and we all deserve death. But God has given His promise that if we receive His son Jesus then we will receive eternal life in heaven with Him.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened".
Alot of addicts struggle with the thought that God could never forgive everything I have done, or they look at their lives and say that they are not worthy to be saved. But that is false.
1 Timothy 1:15 "This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief."
Timothy was saying that he had stayed faithful and had done everything God had asked of him, and yet he counts himself as the chief of sinners. We are not measured by the works or by the actions of others. When it comes down to judgment day, we will all stand before the throne of God and will be judged solely on our own works. The Bible says that no man knows the date or time when the Lord will return, so we must be ready now.
If you feel the Holy Spirit speaking to you and you would like to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior then all you need to do is pray this simple prayer:
Jesus,
I admit that I'm a sinner. I believe that God sent His Son Jesus to come to Earth and die on the cross for my sins. I believe that three days later He rose from the dead and ascended up to Heaven. I believe that He is alive and sits on the right hand of the throne of God. I ask you Lord to be my personal savior, and to wash me white as snow. I thank you and praise you Jesus, Amen.
If you prayed this prayer and meant it in your heart, then you are now born again. I would like to be the first to welcome you, as my new brother or sister, into the family of God.
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